Did he lie or just change his mind?

Dear Miss Attitude,

I am writing to in the hope that you will be able to give me some advice.

I have been married for 5 years and this July I will be 32 and my husband will be 29. We met and fell in love very quickly but our courtship was long-distance so we talked and email a lot... We talked extensively about all the major issues and we both agreed that we wanted to have children - not right away but it was certainly something we both wanted.

As time has moved on, my desire to have children has grown and grown... We have discussed when to start a family and what started out as 'I need a bit more time' from my husband has turned into 'I am not sure I ever want children'. He feels bad because he knows it is important to me. I feel betrayed that he has changed his mind and I feel bad because I know I definitely do. We have been discussing it (and then shelving the discussion) on and off for about 18 months-2 years. Our relationship has suffered because of this but we have both made efforts to improve things and at the moment, things are pretty strong.

I have considered that he is younger and perhaps he will change his mind - how long do I wait to see? Do I just decide to stay with him regardless? If I do this, will I resent him? I have suggested we see a therapist to try to talk things through since he can't seem to make sense of his feelings. He refused initially but since I raised the issue again recently, he seemed more open to it. I am not sure it will help (or at least, get me the answer I am looking for).

This seems to be a very common problem (having Googled it quickly) but there seems to be no real constructive advice or support for this.

I look forward to hearing your take on this even if it is not what I want to hear.



Dear Reader,
I've been giving your problem some serious consideration and you're right, there is no simple answer. The best advice I can give you comes from what you're already thinking. I definitely believe seeing a therapist is a step in the right direction.

It's important to figure out if your husband is simply not ready or doesn't ever want to have children. There could be reasons behind his change of heart or he may not have been completely honest to begin with. Your husband may be more frank with an impartial third party, and conversations like this are often better mediated with a licensed therapist.

I don't think you have to rush to make a decision since many women who are older than you have children every day, but I wouldn't suggest waiting much longer to have these conversations. If you know being a mother is simply something you aren't willing to give up, then you can't afford to simply hope he's going to change his mind. You have to know for sure and make an educated decision about your future.

In the end, only you can know for sure if it's worth staying with him regardless. But if you give up your dream of having children, it's a pretty good bet you will resent him.

Stylishly yours,
Miss Attitude

P.S. Don't forget if you need advice, you can e-mail me at missattitude@missattitude.us

(Reader e-mail has been condensed and name removed for anonymity.)

Mother- in-law problems

Hey don't forget Miss Attitude loves to give advice. Recently I've received quite a few difficult problems from some loyal readers. And today I want to share this one:


Hi Miss Attitude,

I have a problem. To make a long story short my mother in law is on disability because she has bipolar. She receives a check each month for around 600 dollars. She lives in a government place now for people with disability. Anyhow she is always coming to her kids and asking for money. The thing is her rent is only 100 a month plus utilities and she also receives food stamps. She absolutely refuses to get a job because she is scared she would lose her disability. She takes a lot of prescribed drugs and I believe she is hooked. But that is another story. The place she lives in is kicking her out because she has complained for 2 years that she doesn't like the rules so they have had enough and she has to move out. We found her a little trailer to move in. But now she is asking for money for her application. This is getting between my husband and me. I try to tell him that he is not teaching her responsibility by handing money to her every time she asks. She has 4 days until the beginning of the month when she gets her disability check but she will not wait. When she wants something it has to be now on her time. Then recently because of all this she calls her daughter and says she feels like killing herself. I take it as she will do anything to make everyone feel sorry for her and wrap all her kids around her finger. Help me am I just being mean? I told my husband if I took the check to her I am going to make her get dressed and go find a job. There is nothing wrong with being a greeter at Wal-Mart. But she refuses she would rather live in a trashy mobile home and feed of the government than get a job.


Dear Reader,
I’ve really done quite a bit of thinking about your mother-in-law problems, and no I don’t think you’re just being mean. But the answer is simply not as cut and dry as me saying, “Heck ya! She needs to get off her butt and get to work!” She is your husband’s mother and telling him how to treat her could possibly cause problems in your marriage. So you really need to ask yourself is it more important to make her earn her own money, which she probably isn’t going to do at this point, or keep the peace with your husband? If the money he’s giving her is money you don’t have to spare, then you do need to discuss a budget or allowance type situation for her, so she’s not constantly asking for me. There’s also the prescription drug problem which should not be ignored. If you think she’s addicted, then living on her own will most likely make it worse. It sounds to me like she needs professional help. You should discuss your concerns with your husband and suggesting she see a counselor or a doctor. I don’t think getting her to be a greeter at Wal-Mart will solve your problems if she doesn’t address her problems, whether they’re psychological or physical.

Stylishly yours,
Miss Attitude

Don't forget if you need advice, Miss Attitude can help. Send me an e-mail to missattitude@missattitude.us. I promise you will remain anonymous.